A visit

Darkness slowly crept up the afternoon sky. Lights went on in the village on one side of the bay. A brash, bold light shone across from the edge of town. It lit up the ungated entrance near the sea. Any who wished to do so could pass through at any time of the day, or night. The markers stood silently, some having done so for a century, or two, or even longer. The ravages of time had sometimes taken their toll on the inscriptions. I walked in through the gate and found the stone, and the flowers I had left near it on a previous visit. The sea swished ashore on the shingle beach nearby, the wind blowing coldly from the gathering dusk.

As I turned to walk away, I became aware of a smiling face nearby. It was younger than I remembered it when I last saw it. “It’s OK”, she said. “I was allowed back tonight, it’s nearly midwinter.” I recalled that she had come with me on a walk to the Fideach at the end of June. No place to go to after dark now, and after this visit I’d just walk back along the shore. “Just wanted to know how you were doing”. She looked me in the eye, knowing full well how I was doing. For my part, I knew the answers to the questions that welled up in me. “It went as I expected it to”, she said, her smile fading. “I saw my husband, and my mother, and I had to come along this time”. Many’s a time, she had told me of a dream, where she had met her late husband and her mother on a railway platform. They were going on a train, but she couldn’t come. Not yet. That evening in October, it was time. “I saw you”, she said, quietly. “You tried to make it bearable”. She shook her head, but then her smile returned. “You always had this calming influence on me”.

The moon rose over the village as the darkness became complete. I could still see her, a memory of how she had looked in better days, perhaps four years previously. “I had been worried about closing things down”, she said. “And we had not finished clearing out the files”. I had always been amazed how prescient she had been, knowing full well what was going to happen, and bravely confronting the prospect, taking the actions that needed to be taken in preparation. Nonetheless still buying new spectacles. “You have to carry on now”, she interrupted my memories. “I mean, not leave right now. Step away from your sorrow, from what we had. That is now closed. We had a lovely time, the simple life. You, me, and the cat. Going on bus runs round the island, meals out in the Crown, the County. All those people we met together”. She smiled broadly, and I smiled back at her. “Take that with you. I hope you can stay on in the island. But even if you can’t, I’ll be there. Even if it’s difficult to come here – I’m not constrained to this place”.

The wind wafted in over the wall as the moon drifted over the village. I turned to walk away, and she moved to come with me. “For now, I can only go as far as the gate”, she said, walking to my left. Slowly, we gained the path, lit up by the distant light in the industrial estate. I felt her presence as we proceeded towards the gate, not speaking. The gateposts loomed against the night’s sky, stars blotted out by the distant light. I turned, and her smile faded. No words were spoken as I stepped up to the cemetery gate. “Remember our secret”, she finally said.

And with those words ringing in my ears, I passed through, into the open. I looked back, but total darkness reigned behind me. Nothing was visible, and not a sound could be heard. The sea was still swishing ashore, and the moon hung brightly over the village. Lights twinkled on the far side of the bay, with the lights lining the street leading up from the shore marking the way.

Barbara - mid December 2021

You were there for me
when I appeared
along the road
into your life

You were there for me
when I emerged
from the blackness
of the moorland

You were there for me
when I was lost
among the lochs
of the old island

You were there for me
so I was there for you
when old age appeared
so you could carry on

I was there for you
in your final year
as your world closed in
and became ever smaller

You were there for me
I was there for you
We were there
for each other

But now you're gone
I'll carry on
in your honour
and remembrance

Cemetery visit

The shoreline path
is my way
where distant islands
hover the horizon

Houses line the crest
of the brae above
shingle lies above
the sea

The old wall curves
sheltering
from the waves
of the bay

Markers galore
austere reminders
of those gone on
ahead

Many moons ago
after a full life
or cruelly
cut short

I acknowledge
your marker
your life
now fulfilled

I remember
as I stand there
the cold December wind
blowing over the wall

You've gone on ahead
but your spirit's with me
and always will be
gus am bris an latha

Reminders aplenty
of your life
and of your absence but
teichidh na sgàilean

Remembrance 2021 - Iolaire

By day and night
the crosses stand
as the waves rolled
them ashore

Looking south
whence they all came
to end on a
wave splashed rock

The seven seas
held no fear
for "fear na bàta"
of the heather isle

But the eagle swooped
that stormy night
and new year broke
with broken hearts

We now know
that all know
what was suffered
in nineteen nineteen

The island does not forget
who sacrificed their all
on its very shore
that new year's morn

Barbara - late October 2021

It is now more than a year ago since my friend Barbara passed away. She was a major part in my life for more than fifteen years, and I am slowly coming to terms with her absence. The house is full of memories of her, and I sometimes think I still see her - in my mind. Sitting in her chair in the corner, where she would watch TV, or watch the workmen over at Goat Island building the marina during 2019. Each night, at half past eleven, the telly would go off and she would rise from her seat to proceed upstairs. Watched by her relative, the cat, and myself, she made it every day - until September last year. 

The cat still misses her, and whenever he comes in, he hangs a left into the sitting room to check that she has not by chance returned after all. After she died, I showed him her remains. But she did not move, nor did she make a sound - so it did not register with him. A cat is hardwired for movement, and there was none. He probably did discern a smell, and I won't forget that sad look on his face as he sat under the head-end of the coffin. 

I miss her friendship, gentle encouragement and genuine delight at my presence. I'll go on.

Barbara - 11

Were they calling you
that night
Those who had gone on
ahead

You didn't want to come
yet
Although you thought
you were ready

Darkness surrounded you
only the familiar voices
echoing in
from this life

When morning came
and the sun rose
You flew away
over the crimson sea

Nothing will change now
in that patch beside the sea
Just the memories remain
behind the crumbling wall

I see you

I see you in the clouds
in the drizzle that falls
I hear you in the wind
sighing through the trees

You're smiling in the sun
that dapples the forest floor
in the flowers
of the Sunken Garden

I cannot see you
nor hear you
touch you
or talk to you

But wherever I find myself
you'll be with me
that much I know
this day, and all days

The Whaler's Rest

Under grey skies
And amidst snow-flecked mountainsides
Where birds wheel
And creatures roam

The harsh islands
Sit in polar storms
Who but went there
to make some dough

Where giants were brought
For fat, bone and oil
From seas beyond description
In numbers beyond comprehension

I but know you by name
Your history is known to but a few
My mouth will remain closed
About mortal people and their affairs

It is in Leith you now rest
Forgotten to but a few
None now remain
to whom you were of concern

All have gone the way of the flesh
And only a stone remembers you
Where the storms rage
and creatures roam

Barbara and the Fideach

I took you with me
this afternoon.
Borrowed you from the cemetery
They said you could come for an hour or two

You marvelled at the flowers
Smiled at the lambs gambolling
Wondered about the road to take
And let me step across the water

The Fideach smiled at you
the shells creaked underfoot
the water was warm
the sea twinkled in the sun

We saw the lonely beach
stretch into infinity
the planes whirred overhead
the birds called from afar

I took you back with me
along the long straight road
You smiled at me and said "thank you"
when your time was up

The sun was slowly westering
when your little black friend appeared
still awaiting your return
content, for now, with mine

The Sunken Garden

The tree's boughs swung in the gentle December breeze. Many a time had it been agitated by the gales of the north, but this day was quiet. The short daylight hours of winter were drawing to a close. Old autumn leaves rustled along the path leading past the tree. There had been another one, but it had succumbed to a January storm, some fifteen years previous. Memories stretched back further, of laughter, children playing in its shadows, the summer sun beaming down. Not this day, when the sun would barely reach the little feature over which the tree towered. These last couple of years, it had been recovered from wild and unfettered growth of plants and trees. Soon, a sundial would keep time and plants were due to be added in an orderly fashion. The paths led a couple of dozen yards in the direction of the woodland beyond, almost looking like the Greek letter ψ. However, the work was not yet complete. A small figure began to approach the tree. She walked slowly, aided by two sticks and two other people. Her white head stood out amongst the shadows under the tree. Looking around, the memories crowded round, of yesteryear, with young children laughing, having fun. She stopped by the tree and glanced at the garden which was still being worked on. An improvement. Gingerly turning round, she glanced up at the tree, its boughs gently swaying above her. Perhaps subliminally talking of past visits. Darkness almost imperceptibly deepened. She sighed and made to turn round, supported by the sticks and her companions. Slowly, she disappeared from sight. From the Sunken Garden. From the monkeypuzzle tree.

I was there, that day in December 2019. She had just been told of a life-ending illness, and this was her last visit to the Castle Grounds. Many lasts were to follow, and the end came the following October.

When I visit the Castle Grounds now, it is rare for me not to visit the Sunken Garden. I stop by the monkeypuzzle tree and look past the sundial. And I remember.

Barbara - 10

Little is now left
of what we had
just little notes
and now expired aides

I sometimes see you
in familiar places
smiling at me
as you did in those years

I know you hid your pain
the ravages of the illness
would not stop you
until you could do no more

Your world grew small
until that final night
the light grew into the sky
and you left at sunrise

Thank you for your kindness
thank you for your generosity
inclusivity
and thank you for sharing your life

I love you to bits
and pieces
I love you forever
and you'll be with me for all time

The Road

The road ribbons out
leading from
somewhere
to nowhere

A lonely gate
by that one house
welcoming
beckons

The Atlantic
speaks
in the distance
of distant winds

The sun wanly
shines between
marching clouds
receding

What will that step
lead me to
off that road
not further west

Visit

You came to my door
something was familiar
although we had never
met before but on-line

I saw your curls
but that didn't register
I heard your voice racing
with excitement at seeing me

Speaking your own language
which I'm trying to learn
You handed me something
precious

An unspoken promise
Which is mine for the taking
Leaving me speechless
for its incredible tenderness

It took me some time
I was not sure
but I cannot forget

your eyes

Still

It was still
when I returned,
your seat occupied
by your patient black friend

I miss
hearing your voice
I miss
seeing your smile

I miss
sensing your friendship
I miss
you

Barbara - 9

Two years ago
I returned to your door
and refound your smile
to greet my return

You always
expressed sadness
at being left behind
as those dear to you left

Little did I know,
although I had this feeling,
it would be you
leaving me, in time

I am left with memories
reminders
the remnants of routines
and the certainty of death

Only one does not understand
always checking your chair
in case you came back
after his last foray out

Six months ago
you smiled as wide
as the illness permitted
when you could see clearly again

Just ten days later
only you could see
as you had to leave us behind
to rejoin those you had lost

I'll look forward now
I'll be your clever boy
I can do nothing more
for you

A Year of Silence

A Year of Silence
since we were locked down
the empty summer
and the darkness of fall

We are full circle
oh, we're down a level now
but summer 2021
will be emptier still

We have washed
and sanitised our hands
masked our faces
and gone nowhere

Yet when this is all done
and the final roll call is made
many will be missing
and nothing will be the same again

World Poetry Day 2021

Looking out
over the morning sea
the lighthouse blinked
the clouds grew red

When the mainland hills
melted into the rising sun
your spirit soared
to the Isle of Eternal Youth

The spring is now empty
only memories remain
you'll be with me though
forever more

The Sunken Garden

I often retrace
your final steps
to the Sunken Garden
by the soaring tree

The sundial now stands
near where your walk
turned around
you retraced your steps

The way is lit
from the nearby Castle
the final light
by the soaring tree

I carried on
through the Sunken Garden
by the light of the moon
through the barren trees

I often look back
from the lofty terrace
to the sundial
and the soaring tree

I see your figure
reflecting on past visits there
looking around
turning finally back

You're by my side
when I tread the lit pathway
to the Sunken Garden
and the soaring tree

A bheil gaol agad orm?

The Atlantic calls
from across the moors
the lochs wink at me
with promise of spring

We connected
from behind a screen
you distracted me
from the learning at hand

I wanted to see you
hear your voice
but I have to come
across from the moors

Maybe I need
to look in your face
hear your voice
connect to your mind

To answer
the age-old question
in the old language
a bheil gaol agad orm?

Barbara - 7

Tha mi brònach
tha mi toilichte
Nach eil e neònach
Nach eil e èibhinn

Four lines in Gaelic
Barbara's first language
The one that her own mum
spoke to her as a baby

I am sad
I am happy
Isn't it strange
Isn't it funny

I am sad
Because she has gone
I am happy
Because she has gone

I am missing her
which is why I'm sad
I am pleased her suffering is over
which is why I'm happy

That may sound strange
isn't it strange
But it is just as funny
As funny as she could be

I wouldn't want her to come back
I have to go on
And leave her as a constant
in my life, from the past

I am just chasing memories
of what I have lost
It will never return
whatever I do

I love you to bits
I love you forever
Wherever I go
You'll always be with me

Tha gaol agam ort gu piosan
Tha gaol agam ort gu bràth
Ge bith càite an tèid mi
Bidh thu an-còmhnaidh còmhla rium

Barbara - 6

That snowy day in January
Two years ago just now
As light faded over the Minch
and darkness lay over Stornoway

I entered your abode
once more
as I had done for
many a year

The years were
becoming unkind to you
although I did not properly
notice

Soon enveloped once more
in your kindness
and all that endeared you
to me

As 2019 unfurled
you fought on relentlessly
against the ravages
of old age

But by autumn time
time was called
for an undetermined length
as yet

I watched you fade
having to give up
what was once
dear to you

Fading from the
downstairs parts
of your home
of many years

Until you left
as the sun rose
and within its light
you had gone

A new year
has commenced
without you
to light it up

On I shall go
without your light
to guide me
but on I shall go

In memoriam

At the end of 2020...
We give thanks for your life
We give thanks for who you were
We give thanks for the light you shone into our own lives
We give thanks for the legacy you left us
We give thanks for being there, even though you are gone
Time matters not where you are now
But thanks we give for the time we had with you